Some of you know that I recently visited Jordan during my spring break. During my visit I went to Mt. Nebo, which is the location where Moses stood when God showed Him the promise land. And although it was a hazy day on the horizon and the view was filled with desert sand, it was an amazing view. Here are a few pics from that moment.
As I stood on the mountain gazing and being in awe of God, I couldn't help but think of God and His promises... specifically His promises to me personally! The message I received was that..."Even when you cannot see the promises clearly, God ALWAYS keeps His promises!" Years ago God spoke those same words to me at the latter part of that message that I have held onto throughout my journey to my own personal "promise land". While I trust God to keep His promises to me, I know that He also wants me to be FREE to receive ALL of His promises! Being set FREE has led me to this point of my walk by faith.
For those of you who have been a part of my journey, you know a little about my life's events. "The good, the bad, and the ugly!" Some of you have shared in my joy and my pains. Your prayers, love, and support have been an important part of my journey! I am thankful to God for each of you! In sharing my journey with you, my only desire is to bring God glory! Even when it requires me to be vulnerable and transparent (as this blogpost will be). I've always known that my journey here in Abu Dhabi was for a greater purpose. And little by little, God is revealing to me His greater purposes. I'm in awe of how He continues to orchestrate the events of my life to line up with His purpose and plans!
Most recently, my journey has led me to seek wholeness "again". I say "again" because this is something I believe I experienced in my latter 20's when I first fell in love with Jesus! I used to say I was "single, saved, and satisfied"! 😄 I had developed an intimate and personal relationship with Christ for the first time and He had filled any voids and cracks that I had previously. I was whole and complete in Him! And while my relationship with Christ and my faith in God has continued to grow over the years, the truth is, the "wholeness" I once experienced is something I've been missing over the latter years of my life.
I recently read that, "Deep down, we all want to be made whole, but we won't reveal our brokenness to people or environments that will abuse our vulnerability. However, if an environment is perceived as safe, our inner person has an opportunity to set aside pride." (Toure Roberts, Wholeness) I don't know if this blog page can be considered a "safe environment" or not, but part of my journey to wholeness again has led me to be vulnerable in sharing a secret that most of you (my family and friends) do not know about me. I'm sure some of you will be shocked, maybe even disappointed to hear this secret. I know I cannot control the thoughts, actions, or reactions of others; specifically those in response to what I am about to share. I can only pray that my vulnerability in sharing my truth is used for God's glory.
In previous posts, I've shared about the devastation, hurt, and pain I experienced from divorce. Some of you witnessed this up close and personal. Some of you know some of the details and some of you do not. It's not necessary whether you know or not. Some of you have been there throughout the years of my healing. And while I have experienced healing over the 10 plus years since, I have not allowed myself to be completely set FREE from the brokenness I experienced after divorce. This brokenness led me to do something after my divorce that I never thought I would do. I'm sure most of you wouldn't expect this of me either. But it is something that happened and I can't change it.
So here's my moment of truth...
After my divorce, I committed adultery (with my ex-husband after he had remarried). I can try to justify why I did it, but that would not change the main fact. The fact is I allowed myself to sin against God in this way. Although I went about life as if everything was okay, this was a very dark time in my life. I knew what I was doing was disappointing God, but I wanted my marriage so bad that I set aside my morals...multiple times... in hopes of keeping my ex-husband's love. I was desperately trying to hold on, at any cost...including my relationship with God.
While I know God has forgiven me, I have recently come to the realization that I still have not allowed myself to be set completely FREE. This secret sin has had me bound. It has been keeping me from experiencing the wholeness that I so desire! The brokenness that I experienced during that time of my life has lingered in the cracks over the years. This is why I'm sharing it here and now. I know I could have gone to my grave without many of you ever knowing this, but I now know it is necessary for me to walk in my COMPLETE TRUTH in order to be COMPLETELY FREE and COMPLETELY WHOLE again and to receive the COMPLETE FULLNESS of God's promises to me! No longer am I captive by this sin that once had me bound! Today I declare that I am FREE!
I know I'm not the first or last believer and follower of Christ to commit this sin. Nor am I the first or last to admit it. I'm only sharing this in obedience to what God told ME to do at this time as I continue to seek Him. Regardless of what your thoughts or reactions are to my truth, I know the truth of what Jesus has done for me. I know the truth of who Christ is and who I am in Him. I know that He has forgiven me and set me FREE from all guilt and shame! My desire to be whole, is greater than my fear of being judged by man.
My hope is that God is glorified through my obedience to Him in sharing my truth. I am so thankful that the truth has set me FREE! I'm so grateful to God for not exposing me and for saving me from condemnation, ridicule, and shame. I am so grateful He is allowing me to be overcome by the words of my OWN testimony! I am so grateful that He is calling me back to being whole again! I am so grateful that He still loves me...RECKLESSLY and RELENTLESSLY!! I am so grateful that I AM HIS, FAITH WALKER!!!
P.S. I must admit that this post was more for me than anyone who may be reading it.
(Published April 7, 2018)
